Simplicity Doesn't Exist

Don’t you find it weird how we get attached to certain objects? I feel quite attached to my DVDs and am practically able to tell you where and when I got most/all of them. It’s like that with other objects too, inanimate objects which hold no emotional connection to us what-so-ever, we just for some reason, feel oddly connected with them. Case in point, mobile phones. I’ve never been a big texter or a big mobile type person (even though, apparently everyone my age is). I have friends who are permanently glued to their handset, literally never putting it down. However, even though I’m not one of these ‘mobiloids’ I still feel strangely connected to each and every mobile I’ve ever had. For instance, my first mobile, one of the first commercial Nokia handsets (that’s something to tell the grandkids) with no colour screen, no camera and a dull, grey body cover. I inherited it from my brother on the 25th December 2003 when he got a new Sagem (which you can no longer ever find anywhere). I never used it for anything, just the thought of having it was enough. Only once did I ever touch the number pad or speak into the receiver. Then, after a few months, I accidentally locked myself out of it when attempting to configure pin protection and never used it again. A phone I barely used, ever, and I remember everything about it… how? Since then I’ve had 4 other phones including my current one; a Motorola flip up, another Nokia, this time a slide, which I had towards the end of year 7 (which cost £100 exactly and ran out of battery even when it wasn’t on), ANOTHER Nokia, and ANOTHER flip up around Year 8 or 9 (which was indeed very good, but was brutally maimed by myself and a swiss army knife whilst attempting to get mother/father to buy me a new one) and finally, my current model, a Sony Ericsson slide. 

My current phone has been loyal to me for many years (well, 1 and a half) and had politely sat in the background, never really being excessively used until recently. It’s also had amazing battery life (roughly 72 hours :O) and provided me with a good communication link to my parents and/or friends. That is until now. The gorgeous piece of black aluminum is now way past it’s use-by date and the middle button is horrifically irritating to use, so to be the direction keys AND it doesn’t seem to take phone-calls either (but did it ever do that?). And so the search begins for a new phone, however, this time, I plan to make it different. 

In fact, I’ve already found the exact phone I want, so no more wondering around the Car-phone Warehouse randomly staring at ugly contraptions and chunks of metal and brick, before finding one which is slightly like-able and taking that one home. Kind of like walking into a pound for mobiles, but having to shell out extortionate amounts of dough for one. Then not to mention the palaver with the networks; 

“Which network would you like that on sir?”

 -”Err, I don’t know, which is cheapest?” 

”Well you can have it for 89.95 on Orange and pick the retarded chimpanzee pack which comes with 7 million free minutes and 12 and a half texts plus free 17H internet connectivity and a free upgrade in 2 days.” 

-”Err, but I want this phone?” 

”Ok, how about T-Mobile then? You get the phone for 70 and a new sim card, that’s it.” 

-”Sure, let’s get that one, nice and simple.” 

”OK, and that requires a minimum top-up of £3,000.” 

-“WAH?” 

How they just slide in each feature like it's nothing major. Like a contract killer talking about slicing and dicing a Welshman and watching him bleed. Why can’t it just be simple? I mean, just walk in, find a phone, buy it, maybe put some money on it, and that’s it. But no, we have to worry about entering into a blood contract with Lucifer himself in return for 716 free items and the added monthly charge of line rental, internet rental and the rental and expenses for the Phones4U employee who sits in his dark green Renault Clio and follows you around, making sure you don’t send 401 texts instead of 400. 

The most irritating thing about this entire charade being that these people make money because other people are stupid enough to listen to them. There are 40-something year old builders out there with iPhones which they spend £50 a month on without realising, and teenagers sending thousands of pounds worth of texts in a matter of weeks. Which is why I suggest all mobile phone salesmen/women should all be locked in a big cage and paraded through the streets, like some sort of modern-day lunatic cart and if you’re stupid enough to want to talk to one, you have to climb in there too, whilst us sane beings are free to purchase from Japanese robots with kind-manners and a general understanding of how someone pays for something (cash, card etc.) with no extra monthly costs, no text plans or line rental and a straight-forward and easy mobile buying experience. And while we're at it, might as well throw in a hypnotic 70's style musical score too, turn it into a trippy sci-fi movie. 

In the end, I am only usually forking out between £40 and £100, so it’s not exactly a massive purchase, but it is something I plan on using for a serious amount of time, so I want to get it right and not spend the next year or 2 moaning about the crummy battery life, blurry camera or disappearing credit. Simplicity doesn't exist. What... it does? No, seriously, think about it. Hard. Harder. ...